The Philosophy for LYF and the LRN LAF LUV LIV deeds of goodness can be applied to all aspects of life. You can – and should – do goodness everywhere, from your relationships and your family to your work and your schooling.
With February 14 being Valentine's Day, it is a wonderful time to explore how you apply the four deeds of goodness to loving relationships. LRN LAF LUV LIV for Lovers is full of goodness for relationships.
LRN for Lovers
LRN is about improving the goodness in yourself and empowering the goodness in others. When you apply it specifically to being a lover, it means you need to continually improve, mature, and become wiser about the relationship and help your partner along as well. This is necessary for the relationship to continually improve and get even better over time.
Learn about what you want from a loving relationship. It is unfortunate that many people forget about this important step. If you want to be a great lover, you need to define what a loving relationship is to you. You need to be open and honest with yourself. Until you learn what you want, you will not get a relationship you want.
Make sure you have included aspects of doing goodness both for your partner as well as yourself. A one-sided relationship is not a good relationship or a sustainable one.
Learn about your lover. Learn everything you can about your partner. This is a lifelong pursuit. You will not know everything about a person in six months or in five years. And people evolve over time. But you should learn as much as you can, about their likes and dislikes, their values, and what they want from the relationship. Learn what is important to your partner. This knowledge allows you to do goodness for your partner in ways that you know he or she will enjoy it and benefit from it. It also helps you determine if the other person matches what you want from a relationship.
Learn from your actions. Improve yourself as a lover by learning what works and what doesn’t. Learn right from wrong as it applies to relationships. Learn from your mistakes and your successes.
Do what lovers do. You learn from experience. Do with focus and it will become more natural and more meaningful.
Communicate your relationship needs and learnings. Help your partner know you, your likes and dislikes, how you like to be loved, and what you want from the relationship. Help your partner learn about himself or herself. Help your partner clarify what he or she wants from the relationship.
Continually work on the relationship. Never rest on your laurels. Make sure you or your partner do not stagnate or regress. When the growth of the relationship is gone, the relationship will suffer.
Communicate. More communication? Yes. Good communication is critical to a good loving relationship. It is how you grow and mature the relationship to make it long-lasting. Through communication, you can turn your experiences into love-notes of wisdom. Always communicate.
LAF for Lovers
LAF is about enjoying the goodness in yourself and uplifting the goodness in others. Being a lover is about pleasure, enjoying each other’s company, and being grateful for a wonderful relationship.
Enjoy being with the person. Lovers enjoy all of their time spent together. If not, you are not lovers but simply two people with lust.
Have fun together. A loving relationship is not a solo activity. You must spend quality time together. Do things together that you both enjoy doing. Try new things and have new experiences together.
Enjoy who you are in the relationship. If you are not happy, the relationship will not be a healthy one.
Do what good lovers do. Be romantic. Have date nights. Write sweet notes for each other. Keep physical and mental intimacy alive and well. Kiss when you wake up and when you go to bed. Hold hands. Give hugs. Cuddle.
Appreciate the relationship. Recognize the joy in finding that special partner and being with your partner. Do not become complacent.
Surprise your partner with something they would enjoy. It does not need to be expensive. It can be your time, a little message, a massage, a kiss.
Be playful and silly together. Enjoyment is expressed many ways. Have fun together in your daily activities.
Laugh together. Make sure it is playful, happy laughter. Do not engage in biting sarcasm or hurtful laughter towards each other, even if intended as fun, as these cuts, no matter how superficial each cut seems, will damage the relationship over time. Avoid such hurt directed at others (as a person of goodness should) because you or your lover will eventually direct it at each other.
Smile. In a loving relationship, a real smile has a big impact to the relationship and your partner. It means the relationship is extra special.
LUV for Lovers
LUV is about valuing the goodness in yourself and nurturing the goodness in others. In a loving relationship, you need to care about yourself and care deeply about your partner.
Respect yourself in the relationship. Do not do anything that is derogatory or demeaning to yourself. If your partner makes you feel unworthy of love or demeans you or humiliates you, discuss it with him or her right away and resolve it. If you cannot resolve it quickly or if you do not feel comfortable talking about it with your partner, leave the relationship because it will not be a healthy or loving one. If your lover does not care about loving the way you need to be loved, does not care about you, or does not care about your feelings, then it is not a relationship worth being in. That person is not for you, and the relationship is not healthy for you.
Take care of yourself physically. Keep yourself fit so you can be a good (make that great) lover and be healthy to care for your partner.
Take care of yourself mentally. You must be healthy in your mind and your emotions. It is difficult to be a good lover if you feel down on yourself. You need to be happy with who you are for a loving relationship to be successful.
Do not play a victim. Some people continually play a victim to get sympathy from their partner. It is a deliberate form of manipulation. Never play that role. It is unfair to your lover and dishonest. It means you do not care about your partner and you only care about yourself. That is not LUV, and it will not create a good loving relationship.
Treat your partner respectfully, always. Do not berate your partner, do not talk down to your partner, do not physically or mentally threaten or abuse your partner ever.
Do goodness for your partner. In a loving relationship, the care you have and show for your partner should be extra strong. While a healthy relationship is not one-sided in expressing love and consists of both partners doing goodness to each other, you should not be taking score. Do goodness for your partner because you want to, not because it is your turn. Caring for your partner helps you express the value of your role in the relationship. And doing goodness for your partner often leads to receiving goodness back. It is part of the wealth-worth win-win.
Love your partner the right way. Love the way your partner wants to be loved. If you LRN for Lovers, you will learn the way your partner likes to be cared for and treated.
The relationship will not be easy if you and your partner have a disconnect between how each of you care for each other and how each of you like to be cared for.
Have compassion for your partner. Do not be defensive. Do not say words or perform actions to hurt the other person. Do not criticize or blame.
Be polite. Be kind. Say “thank you”.
Express appreciation for your partner. Do it for large and small things. Help your partner see the value he or she brings to the relationship.
Listen. Listening is an important way to show you care about your partner.
Apologize. When you are wrong, show you care: apologize from the heart.
Say “I love you” often. And mean it.
LIV for Lovers
LIV is about realizing the goodness in yourself and inspiring the goodness in others. When you apply it to a loving relationship, you make it the love of a lifetime and inspire your lover to do the same.
Work at the relationship. As you grow from your experiences with your partner in your wisdom about love, continue to raise the bar on what a good relationship is. Enhance the intimacy and strengthen the friendship. If it is a chore to work at the relationship, there is something amiss in the relationship. Working at the relationship is part of experiencing the relationship and living the relationship.
Be the best lover you can be. Use your strengths to the fullest. Work on any weaknesses that are hurting the relationship or preventing it from getting stronger.
Keep that spark going. Do not get in a rut. Do not get in a lull. Do not take the relationship for granted. Stretch yourself.
Live in the present. A loving relationship is every day. It is not part-time.
Inspire your lover by example. Loving with goodness is a doing. By doing your best, by working at the relationship, and by keeping that spark going, you can inspire your lover to do the same. From sparks come fire.
Inspire other couples to improve their relationships. Other people notice when someone is in a good relationship. They notice the smiles. They see the glow. They see the holding of hands. Share the lover’s wisdom they seek, spread the joy of a good relationship, give encouragement of healthy relationships, and inspire them with your examples.
Elevated Moments for Lovers
When you hear someone talk about being in a fantastic loving relationship, they may be describing an elevated loving relationship. Sometimes they are referring to their own "personal" jubilant moments within a loving relationship and sometimes to the "divine" jubilant moments of doing goodness for the other person in the relationship. A truly loving relationship is when you are doing goodness to yourself and doing goodness for your partner at the same time.
An “in the zone” moment occurs when you are doing all four deeds of goodness concurrently and synergistically with your partner. You will experience it when you are growing from the relationship and being a better lover, feeling and expressing joy from the relationship, feeling great about yourself as part of the relationship, being totally engaged in the relationship, and being the best lover you know how to be. You will also experience such a moment when you do goodness for your lover with all four deeds of goodness, that is, when you are doing something for your lover that empowers your lover, uplifts your lover, expresses the deep caring you have for your lover, and inspires your lover to do better.
Work for these moments in your loving relationship. Keep them up for an elevated life of a lover.
When there is a “spark” in a loving relationship, it likely occurs when both partners have an elevating moment at the same time. The feeling is mutual, and it feeds off of each other in the truest wealth-worth win-win for both.